VI

I felt strange. I did not know what it all meant. Everyone seemed to be getting conditioned to a silence I did not know. Everybody was actually being conditioned by reality - The reality that life was random. What was his self then? GONG! He wanted to run away from this place. He had had enough of this weird conditioning. Why should he continue? These were just mind games. He was scared shit. Wherever he saw, he saw abnormal people.

There was a fire burning at the mountains but no one saw it. Not one noticed. Was I at the end of my wits? I have to run away from this retarded place of mad people. OR was I behaving strange? Mad people see the world as mad. My concept of reality is changing and so I was feeling a different unconditioned reality escaping. GONG! This place is making me mad. GONG! Help me! GONG! I am dying and there is no one to talk to - To witness my death.

Will I escape this place alive? Can I trust this system? I will fight it. I will not give up this easy. It is not right to condition people like this. There has got to be a way to escape this. There has got to be a way to not convert, to not become. There has to be a way to escape the system. I am trying too hard. No one's trying this hard. No one's actually giving it as much thought as I am.

Maybe I need to slow down until this ordeal is over. Maybe all I really need is to resist the system. It’s all going to be all right when I return home where my mom is waiting for me. May be all I need is a good night’s sleep in the hustle bustle of the city; all I need is my books and a computer to bring me back to reality.

All this just might not make much sense. Maybe I just need to talk myself out to someone. But would that then be comparing? But such experiences can never be compared! Why does he keep smiling? Why doesn't he move his hands freely while walking? What is he scared of..What has he become...what has the system done to him. Will this system make this out of me? I don't want to become this, or that. I just want to live. I just need to exist. I don't want to be. I want to exist. What am i thinking? What have I become. Am I becoming one of them? But am I not unique?

Why am I thinking so much? Slow down. Slow down. Maybe I need to pray to my god for showing the way. Maybe, he can help me in this. Why am I using so many maybe's in my thinking ....don't I trust god?

I do...Yes that's the key. Complete surrender to God’s will. Yes there are no maybe's...he is the one he is the only one. I don't know if these retards will show me the way, but my god will. ‘My’ God. Yes mine and only my own god. They don't deserve him. I do. I deserve help. Please. But isn't he omnipresent? Then why do I have to pray so much....I think he will do his best. I don't doubt it. He will do the best for me .May be; maybe not. Maybe there's someone in this group who needs more help than me. Why am I comparing so much? GONG!

Ah, this sound...someone stop this sound. All I need is to connect with someone and its going to be all right. Connect, with someone who can see what I see and someone who can tell me, who can assure me, who can tell me with that he can help me with the way ahead; someone who can tell me in my words that I am sane. That I will succeed; someone who can feel; someone who can understand; someone whom I can socialize with.