IX

It’s all going to end tomorrow. I want to say it wasn’t tough, I want to say it was all easy, but i cannot.

I haven’t slept for 9 days. Every time I have tried to take a small nap, sounds of my own heart beat have woken me up. How did I know that I won’t forget to breathe? How did I know my heart will keep beating while I sleep? How would I know if I don’t get up the next morning? Can I really trust my temporal body? Can I really trust my heart?

Maddening thoughts of soul cleansing, final attainment, complete peace and the meanings of all of these kept me awake every moment. It had taken such sharp discerning logic to conclude that there is no good, there is no bad, that it is only our thinking that made it so.

Finally, after a back numbing struggle of 8 long days had I realized that my impulse to take the next breath was a result of a cause. A cause so profound, it had made me cry all night. I had finally realized why I took my next breath-it was because of a combined cause that resulted from every atom of the universe that was not me.

Yes-i existed because everything else existed. I was only a part of the whole. But I completed the whole. I completed the zero. If I did not take my next breath, everything in the whole wide universe that I directly or indirectly impacted changed its symmetry to adjust- to balance itself; on hope.

I dint want to believe it. It wasn’t possible. It must have been an accident. I was not prepared…for this simple truth that was everywhere in every atom in everything imaginable…..insipid ignorance…it had all come in a flash when—doesn’t matter. What matters indeed, is that I was only a cog, I was the cause, I was the effect. I was everything they had said, and I was also something they had not known. I was also something I will never know. The truth indeed is everywhere, and the truth indeed is nowhere, were you to find it.

In breakfast I ate fruit, cleaned my plate, and gave it back to the dish washer who was surprised for once-there among throngs of waste lay a plate sparkling clean. When he saw this, he raised a hue-it isn’t clean he said, my plate isn’t clean…and the dishwasher kept assuring him-yes I will do my job, you don’t need to worry, I will clean plates, I will do my job-it doesn’t matter if you like it or not.

The shoe rack was so full I couldn’t find my chappals. So I let them lie, for I knew if I came back an hour later, only my shoes would be on the rack–patience and trust will pay. Trust the system, with your life, and it will pay you back. You just need to keep up the hope-or not have hope—the system is self run, on things such as curiosity, awareness, imagination and equanimity. These were never a part of the Chinese room, I think.

You need not worry about the network, it is in able hands; you just need the eyes to see.